im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
