if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
