I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize