Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
