I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
