Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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