Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
