my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize