My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
