dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
