I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
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