I'm laying in your front yard are you home
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pants are for mortals
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