I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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