My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
