We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
