when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
