chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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