clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
