that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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