Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize