i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
