omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize