you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
