Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
