apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize