Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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