listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
