I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
