I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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