I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
