Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
