That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
