and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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