shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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