That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
