Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
