i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
