Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
