No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
