we're chasing vodka with high fives
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i dont even know how to be here
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
