Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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