By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
