Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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