his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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