Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
