Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
