so explain again why im purple
no
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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