Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize