Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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