Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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