I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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