Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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