life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You took a bar mat shot.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
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