Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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