in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize