I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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