yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
