im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize