My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
