i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
