I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
