Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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