you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize