can u get pink eye on your cock?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
