i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
