Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
