i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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